Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
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*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Do not go gentle into that good night,
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX