You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.