my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
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Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I get distracted pretty eas
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
“What?”
– Jude
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.