What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
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When you let grandma cat sit
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*