Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
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When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
They’re called werewolves.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.