We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
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My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you