Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[on my way back to the posting caves]
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”