[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
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[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!