I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
You Might Also Like
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
me after eating Cheetos
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.