Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I already tried new things thanks.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat