I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I have never heard an armadillo before.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….