HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
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*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭