[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
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At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
You sure about that?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.