You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
You Might Also Like
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*