“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Posting this on behalf of a friend
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?