Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
You Might Also Like
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Home is where your toilet is.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.