[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
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Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
This raises questions
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.