“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
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You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
May have had one breakfast too many
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
🤣😂🤣
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
This is my bus stop.