2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
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If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
wish me luck lads
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.