I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans