I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
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Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Seems legit
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.