Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45