[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
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Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
getting groceries
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
where the womens at?
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.