[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
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BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.