Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
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My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
house sitting!
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia