My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
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The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
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The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
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Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
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CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
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“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
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Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
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[creation of bats]
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“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
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Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
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CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
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