Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
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Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’