[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
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“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!