My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
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Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
is this how new cars are made??
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I think I’m having a stroke
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’