Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
The Compass
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?