Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Finally!
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it