You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
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If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?