*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
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It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!