I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.