Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Owl Sanctuary
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet