While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.