explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
(True)
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Oh. My. God.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.