Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
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I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
mentally somewhere in italy
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.