When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
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dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.