Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need