The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
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