Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
You Might Also Like
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science