Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
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[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.