I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
You Might Also Like
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯