DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
This is a true ally.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
dutch is not a serious language
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them