Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
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My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”