I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
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*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.