Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
You Might Also Like
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.