How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
You Might Also Like
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day