Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
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I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
God has left this place
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
đź‘»
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Going to church you guys need anything
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*